Denial...It ain't a river

Well, the packing is not going well. I move out, for good, in less than a month, with many classes, appointments, and traveling between now and then. I just can't seem to make myself get out the boxes and tape and start doing it. I have been telling myself that it was because I didn't want to live in a messy, unorganized house, but I think that has been a lie. My house is currently messy and unorganized due to all of the packing things laying around.

When I moved out of my classroom, all of my (5 years worth of) stuff moved into my office. I think it has grown roots through the floor and into the earth. I've also bought odds and ends and just never found a place to put them, so they are all living in my dining room. I have a pantry, refrigerator, and separate freezer full of food that something must be done with, but I convinced myself that I have nothing to eat. So, I went to HEB yesterday and loaded up some more. Maybe I'll get the pantry packed and to the food bank soon...sure.

I think that my not packing is one more attempt at trying to ignore how difficult it is going to be for me to leave my friends and move back home. If I don't start packing, I won't start hurting...

Oops..

I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog.

While I haven't done anything "homemaker-ish" lately, I have been busy. I have recently resigned from my first "real" job as a teacher here in Houston. This came after many months of contemplating the direction I want my life to take, and I realized that it was taking me back home.

Now I know that many people think of my hometown, Palacios, as being boring, dirty, etc., but to me, it will always be home. I have these grandios ideas that it will beging to flourish as other coastal towns have, but it will take time. I'm really returning because, to be honest, I've been lonely. I've been on my own for 10 years now, and in Houston for almost 6. In that time, I have made really wonderful friends, but have recently felt that my life is stagnant. I'm not moving forward as I had wished. I always thought that by now I would be married and raising a family, but God hasn't allowed that, yet. I have no doubt that I will raise a family, and if I have to do that in an unconventional manner, so be it. However, I have become lonelier and lonelier in my life here, and I knew it was time for a change. After much debate, many panic attacks, and more doubt and questioning, I have accepted a position as the 9th grade English teacher in my hometown.

So, I'm trying to make arrangements for moving back home and preparing myself to leave my very best friend, so life has been stressful. I go back this week for my first professional development with my new department, and I hope that I make a good first impression. I hate that I'm so concerned by what others think of me. One of my biggest pitfalls is that I worry about what others think. This includes my intelligence, success, performance, physical appearance, etc. I guess it stems from low self esteem as a kid. Being the fat kid can sure allow the scars to be carried over into adulthood.

Anyhow, my one domestic contribution for this blog is a hastily made, unplanned watermelon cake. My mom and I were in the checkout line at the grocery store when she saw a magazine cover containing this cake done to look like a watermelon. Well, it happened that the next day we were attending a benefit for a friend and we were baking cakes and jelly for the auction. Mom decides it would be a great way to occupy me during the day, so we get the things needed for the cake.

Now, when I first started this, I did not expect it to take 6 hours of my time. I did not expect the frustration, and if you know me, you know what a perfectionist I am, so I did not expect it to be sub-par. Working with only a butter knife and toothpicks, this was the final result. If I ever mention doing another cake like this, just mention the word "watermelon" to me. It should serve to jar me out of my insanity.